AnySelected

It's a heartbreaking reality for many: being estranged from family due to differences in lifestyle and beliefs. A reader writes to advice columnist Eric about their painful situation – a fractured relationship with their brother stemming from their identity as a gay man and their adherence to a 'new thought' religion, both of which their brother believes will condemn them to Hell. This is a deeply personal and complex issue, and Eric offers thoughtful guidance and support for navigating this challenging landscape.

Understanding the Root of the Conflict

The core of this conflict isn’t simply about being gay or holding alternative spiritual beliefs. It’s about a clash of values and a fundamental disagreement on what constitutes a ‘right’ or ‘acceptable’ way to live. Your brother’s view appears to be rooted in a rigid, potentially judgemental interpretation of his faith. He's projecting his own beliefs onto you, and struggling to accept a reality that challenges his worldview. It's important to recognize that his reaction is likely about his fears and insecurities, rather than a reflection of your worth or the validity of your choices.

The Importance of Boundaries

When dealing with estrangement, establishing and maintaining clear boundaries is crucial for your own mental and emotional wellbeing. This doesn’t necessarily mean permanently cutting off contact (though that may be necessary in some cases). It means defining what you are and aren't willing to tolerate in interactions with your brother. This could involve setting limits on topics of conversation, refusing to engage in debates about your sexuality or spirituality, or even limiting the frequency of contact.

Can Reconciliation Be Possible?

Reconciliation is always a possibility, but it requires willingness and effort from both sides. Your brother would need to demonstrate a genuine desire to understand and accept you for who you are, without attempting to change you. This likely involves him confronting his own biases and challenging the beliefs that fuel his judgement. It’s important to be realistic about this; he may not be capable of such growth.

Focusing on Your Support System

Regardless of whether reconciliation is possible, it’s vital to build and nurture a strong support system. Surround yourself with people who love and accept you unconditionally – friends, chosen family, or support groups. Sharing your experiences with others who understand can be incredibly validating and empowering. There are numerous LGBTQ+ support groups and spiritual communities throughout New Zealand that can provide a sense of belonging and connection.

Eric's Advice: Finding Peace

Eric emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and acceptance. You cannot control your brother's beliefs or reactions. What you can control is your own response. Focus on living authentically, pursuing your own happiness, and building a life filled with love and meaning. Ultimately, finding peace may mean accepting that a close relationship with your brother isn’t possible, and focusing on cultivating connections with those who celebrate you for who you are.

This situation is undoubtedly painful, but remember that you are not alone. Many people face similar challenges. Prioritise your wellbeing, set healthy boundaries, and surround yourself with love and support. Your happiness and authenticity are worth fighting for.