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You've likely heard the term 'gaslighting' thrown around, particularly thanks to its prevalence in reality TV. But what does it *really* mean, and more importantly, how can you recognise it in your own relationships? Expert John Aiken highlighted a clear example on Married At First Sight, pointing out manipulative behaviours like deflection and blame as hallmarks of gaslighting.

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one person subtly makes another question their sanity, perception of reality, or memories. It's a gradual process, designed to erode the victim's self-confidence and make them dependent on the gaslighter. The term originates from the 1938 play and subsequent film Gas Light, where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she's losing her mind by dimming the gaslights and denying it's happening.

It's a deeply insidious tactic. Gaslighters don't always intend to be malicious; sometimes, it's a learned behaviour stemming from their own insecurities or past trauma. However, the impact is devastating regardless of intent.

Common Gaslighting Tactics

• Denial: Refusing to acknowledge your feelings or experiences. “You’re imagining things.” “That never happened.”
• Trivialising: Minimising your concerns and making you feel foolish. “You’re overreacting.” “Why are you so sensitive?”
• Shifting Blame: Turning the situation around and making you responsible for their behaviour. “You made me do this.” “If you weren’t so [insert criticism], I wouldn’t have to…”
• Contradiction: Saying one thing and doing another, creating confusion and uncertainty.
• Isolation: Trying to cut you off from friends and family who might offer support and perspective.

The Impact of Gaslighting

Being subjected to gaslighting can have severe consequences for your mental and emotional wellbeing. It can lead to:

• Self-doubt and confusion
• Anxiety and depression
• Low self-esteem
• Difficulty trusting your own judgment
• Dependence on the gaslighter

Building a Healthy Relationship: Key Ingredients

While recognising gaslighting is crucial, building a healthy relationship requires proactive effort. Here are some key elements:

• Open and Honest Communication: Express your feelings and needs clearly and respectfully.
• Mutual Respect: Value each other's opinions and perspectives, even when you disagree.
• Trust and Transparency: Be honest and reliable, and build a foundation of trust.
• Emotional Support: Be there for each other during difficult times, offering empathy and understanding.
• Healthy Boundaries: Establish and maintain clear boundaries to protect your emotional wellbeing.

What to Do If You’re Being Gaslighted

• Trust Your Instincts: If something feels wrong, it probably is. Don't dismiss your gut feelings.
• Document Everything: Keep a record of conversations and events to help you stay grounded in reality.
• Seek Support: Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist.
• Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your limits and enforce them.
• Consider Ending the Relationship: If the gaslighting continues despite your efforts, it may be necessary to end the relationship for your own wellbeing.

Recognising gaslighting is the first step towards reclaiming your reality and building healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Don't underestimate the power of your own intuition and the importance of prioritising your mental health.